* Lewinsky Virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

* Ronald Reagan Virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it was stored.

* Mike Tyson Virus: Quits after one byte.

* Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 300MB hard drive suddenly compresses to 100MB, then slowly expands to 250MB.

* Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus: Deletes all old files.

* Ellen Degeneres Virus: Disks can no longer be inserted.

* Titanic Virus (a strain of the Lewinsky Virus): Your whole computer goes down.

* Disney Virus: Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

* Prozac Virus: Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

* Joey Buttafuoco Virus: Only attacks minor files.

* Arnold Schwartzenegger Virus: Terminates some files, but it'll be back.

* Lorena Bobbit Virus: Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5" floppy, then discards through Windows.

* Viagara Virus: Creates a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

* Clinton Virus: Gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory.