- I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't
park anywhere near the place.
|
|
- I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I
got a full house and four people died. |
| - Last week, I went to a
furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table.
They couldn't help me. |
|
- What's another word for -thesaurus? When I get real
bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking
spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me
if I'm leaving. |
|
- When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the
backyard. I was an only child... eventually. |
- I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So
I had to buy them again.
|
|
- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier.
I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. |
|
- I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do
anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One
day I got a call from a woman in France who said, -Cut it
out!- |
|
- I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.
Now it looks like I'm the only one moving. |
|
- I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I
hear a new song on the radio, I think, -Hey, maybe I
wrote that I got my driver's license photo taken out of
focus on purpose. How when I get pulled over the cop
looks at it (moving it nearer & farther, trying to
see it clearly)... and says, -Here, you can go.- I went
to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything
specific. |
|
- I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little
pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran
around in circles. |
| - I spilled Spot remover on my
dog. Now he's gone. |
| - My neighbor has a circular
driveway. He can't get out. |
|
- I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to
add... |
|
- I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went
back in time. |
|
- I have an answering machine in my car. It says, |
| - I'm
home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out. |
|
|
- I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't
know how I got there. |
|
- I went to a restaurant that serves |
| -breakfast at any time. |
| - So I ordered French Toast during the
Renaissance. |
|
|
- A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't
have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and... oohh, that's much better. |
|
- I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection
of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over
the world. Maybe you've seen some of it. |
|
- I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine. |
|
- Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. |
|
- It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, |
| - it's
always room- temperature. |
|
|
- If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the
precipitate. |
|
- You can't have everything... where would you put it? |
|
- Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same
time. I think I've forgotten this before I went down the
street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy
was locking the front door. |
| I said, -Hey, the sign says
you're open 24 hours. |
| He said, -Yes, but not in a row. |
|
|
- I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They
ask me if they can help me, and I say, |
| -Have you got
anything I'd like? |
| - Then they ask me what size I need,
and I say, |
| -Extra medium. |
|
|
- While I was gone, someone stole everything in my
apartment and replaced it with an exact replica. When I
told my roommate, he said, |
| -Do I know you? |
|
|
- I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who
live above me are furious. |
|
- On the ceilings in my house, I have paintings of the
rooms above so I never have to go upstairs. |
|
-I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop
who said, |
| -Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per
hour? |
| -Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that
long. |
|
| -One time a cop pulled me over
for running a stop sign. He said, I said, |
| -Didn't you see the
stop sign? |
| -Yeah, but I don't believe everything
I read. |
|
|
- The judge asked, |
| -What do you
plead? I said, |
| -Insanity,
your honor. |
| - Who in their right mind would park in the
passing lane? |
|
|
- Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I
came back the entire area was missing. |
|
- For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter...
no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and
left it running. |
|
[Slow glance upward.] |
|
|
- I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. |
| I hate it when my foot falls
asleep during the day because that means it's going to be
up all night. |
|
- Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams
were broadcast all over the world. |
| - When I woke up this morning
my girlfriend asked me, |
| -Did you sleep good?- I said, |
| -No,
I made a few mistakes. |
|
| - I got up one morning and
couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She
said, |
| -Hello, Information. I said, |
| -I can't find my socks. She said, |
| -They're behind the
couch. |
|
|
- I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I
turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. |
| - The
next day I could only stutter in Spanish. |
|
|
- I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd
notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out
through the window. |
|
- Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair,
and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards,
but at the last instant you catch yourself? That's how I
feel all the time. |
|
- I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem
about everything. |
